Friday, 30 January 2009

A New Football Dictionary

Anybody who has been watching football for years will know that, sometimes, there are occasions when something will happen that can’t be explained in words. The correct noun, verb or adjective doesn’t roll off the tongue, often because a word doesn’t exist that can adequately describe an event.

So, in order to help you explain what has happened, I’ve compiled a dictionary of brand new expressions that you can roll out as of Saturday at 3pm – although, there’s going to be matches on Friday night and Saturday morning before then, so that expression’s down the pan.

ABRAMORICH, adjective; ‘Man City are Abramorich’; describes a football club who can match any asking price.

BLOWN GOAL, noun; a goal scored as the direct result of the wind changing the direction of the flight or path of the ball.

COLOGNE GOAL, noun; a goal scored by any footballer currently advertising perfume or aftershave on television or otherwise.

DANGEROUS GAME, noun; ‘he’s playing a dangerous game’; one or many footballers playing the game next to or on a minefield.

DARIUS, noun; ‘he’s a right Darius’; a footballer who tries hard, but there’s no end product or any real quality.

DIRK, verb; ‘to Dirk something up’; describing when a football team has been in a winning position before losing the game to one or more goals scored by Dirk Kuyt.

EARLY DOORS, noun; the event of the clubhouse entrance refurbishments finishing before the rest of the building.

FLOWN GOAL, noun; the event of a bird, plane or any other flying body directing the ball into the goal.

FOWL THROW, noun; when a player commits a foul by throwing a chicken onto the pitch without both feet on the ground, behind the touchline and having taken the chicken fully behind their head.

IN JURY TIME, noun; when a footballer is called to sit on a jury in a criminal trial.

KICK IT OUT, 1. verb; the action that should be undertaken by any football player at any standard when there is any reasonable level of doubt; 2. noun; campaign that tackles the fashionable prejudice of the decade, beginning with racism, soon to be followed by homophobia.

MOAN GOAL, noun; a goal that causes two or more of the defending team to have a major argument.

OFF THE VINE, noun; when the ball is prevented from entering the goal by plantlife.

OFF THE WINE, noun, when a well publicised, former alcoholic prevents the ball from entering the goal using any part of their body.

PENALTY SHOOT-NOWT, noun; a match that has no real value being settled by a penalty shoot-out.

SLO-YO CLUB, noun; a football club that has slowly fallen from grace before slowly regaining their position in the top league on a number of occasions.

STONE GOAL, noun; when a bobble or bump on the ground is the direct cause of the ball beating the keeper and going into the net.

SQUAWK EYE, noun; ‘he’s a bit of a squawk eye’; a fan who regularly and loudly voices their disagreement of introducing video technology into football.

TEAM TORQUE, noun; friction between two or more team members.

THREE MATCH FAN, noun; a football fan who supports a team only whilst they are performing well, before leaving when performing badly – they become a ‘three match fan’ after being given a red card at another club.

THROWN GOAL, noun; ‘he’s got away with a thrown goal’; any goal scored with a hand and not penalised by the officials.

TITUS, noun; ‘he’s committed a Titus’; action that has directly led to a goal for the opposing side, often with there being little to no pressure on the footballer in question.

TRANSFER WIDOW, noun; a person whose spouse has died because of a sharp intake of too many rumours during January or the summer.

TWELFTH MAN, noun; a referee who blatantly awards decisions for one team and doesn’t give equal measure to the other, often with malice.

UNKNOWN GOAL, noun, a goal that could have been scored by any number of people because of a goalmouth scramble.

David Mooney

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